New Mommy Confessions

-  I've had a diaper shit explosion happen all over me.  I've been sprayed in the face by a stream of warm pee.  And I've had my kid vomit regurgitated breast milk into my mouth.  My mouth! Having a kid is so fucking GROSS.

- I don't wash off the pacifier when it falls on the floor before popping it back in his mouth.  If it's really covered in dog hair, I'll wipe it on my pant leg.  Yeah, I said it.

- I've pretended to be dead asleep in the middle of the night when the baby cries, forcing my husband to get up and feed him.  Then I feel guilty and go check on them to make sure he doesn't need help...but I might make sure to wait long enough that he really doesn't need help and is already comfortably feeding the baby so I can go back to bed.  Just kidding, Ryan!  (no, I'm not)

- I am SO annoyed with my "mommy voice."  Apparently when you have a child they send you home from the hospital with that voice...you know the one - the high-pitched, sing-songy, overly dramatic, horribly annoying voice of a mom talking to a baby.  WHY?!  Why can't I just talk to my child like a normal human being?!  Why can't I talk in the first person instead of calling myself "mommy" over and over?  "Mommy loves her widdle baby...yes she does...yes she does!"  Ugh!  I catch myself talking like that and think, "man, you sound so stupid...shut up, shut up, shut up," yet I can't stop!

- I absolutely cannot handle the sound of my own child crying.  Why is that?  Crying babies do not usually phase me.  I can tune out someone else's kid like it's my business.  But if my child even whimpers, I have a panic attack.  One of his meltdowns will drive me to tears and I freak the eff out.  I don't think logically.  I lash out.  I full on lose my shit.  It's the worst!  I feel like such a bad mom because I can't handle it or keep my cool. I want to be one of those chill moms that can carry on a conversation and do the dishes while the child is screaming like, "no worries, the baby's crying, he's totally fine, what were you saying about Christian Grey."  Instead I'm like, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT, I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! SOMEBODY GET THIS KID A BOTTLE NOW. NOW! NOOOOOOW!!"  Inevitably I have to hand him to Ryan and run out of the room and pour myself a glass of wine.  My husband is soooo fed up with me. And we go through so much wine.  Anyone else do this (the panicking, not the binge drinking)?  Does it get better?  Will I ever get used to it?

- On my fifth day of going back to work, I didn't cry when I left the baby.  And then a few hours later I realized that I didn't cry when I left the baby, which made me feel so guilty I cried over not crying.

- On my sixth and seventh days back to work I cried all morning and had to leave work early to go home and see him both days.  So no, it's still not getting much better. 

- Sometimes I wake the sleeping baby up just so I can hold him while he sleeps.  I just can't help myself.

- I'm having a really hard time putting away Mac's newborn and 0-3 month clothing.  The newborn stuff wasn't all that bad - he only had a few outfits and he wore them all repeatedly over the first few weeks.  But the 0-3 month stuff is HARD to pack away.  I've been dreading it - so much so that I've made him wear clothing that's too small and too short for over a week because I was in denial that he was bigger than that.    These clothes have so many memories associated with them, so many stories.  I couldn't even throw out the poop-stained clothes because I'm too sentimental.  How am I going to deal with no more yellow chicken jammies?  No more "My First Fourth of July" baseball outfit.  No more blue striped zip-up feetie pajamas (they were my favorite!).  Sad sad sad.

- Mac's rolling over in his sleep now when he's swaddled.  This is a serious problem.  The poor kid can't sleep unswaddled because his arms don't stop moving and he smacks himself in the face a lot.  This inevitably leads to screaming, rocking and possibly an additional middle of the night feeding to get him back to sleep.  I'm about this close to sewing velcro strips to the crib sheet and the back of his swaddle so he's pinned to mattress and can't roll over.  Does that make me a bad mom?  It seems much easier than teaching him to sleep through the night with crazy arms.  And it's better than tying him down with bungee cords right?

- I want to be pregnant again.  Like now.  And a couple more times after that.  And maybe for the rest of my life.  Maybe I should consider surrogacy...don't people get paid a ton of money to do that?  And then I could quit my job and stay home with my 8 children.  (My husband is NOT ok with this plan.)