New Mommy Confessions - Part 13

Hi!  It's me.  No guest posters, just me confessing today.  I have a lot to get off my chest.  Here goes!

• What is the deal with "mommy guilt" and does it EVER go away?  Why do I feel guilty about everything I do?  I feel guilty when I go to work in the morning.  I feel guilty if I run an errand without the baby.  I feel guilty when Ryan and I have a date night.  I feel guilty that I'm no longer breastfeeding.  I feel guilty when I'm on the floor playing around with him because maybe I should be doing more, like reciting the alphabet in French or teaching him long division.  Seriously, do you ever get to the point where you feel like you're doing a good job?  (I don't know, I'm asking you this.)  I think I'm doing pretty well with this whole mom gig so far - he's wonderful and healthy and happy - but will I always feel so guilty for not doing more?  

• Since I've had Mac I have an unprecedented amount of ear wax in my ears.  What the hell is up with that?  Not sure if it has anything to do with to being a new mom, but I'm chalking it up to post-pregnancy body weirdness.  Other weird things: my right foot is significantly larger than my left foot, I cannot wear earrings without them itching like crazy and my hands now look exactly like my mother's hands. 

• Sometimes I worry that my child is turning into a spoiled rotten brat.  He's got me so wrapped around his finger that I jump any time he makes a peep.  Apparently I don't have that gene that allows me to tune him out like his father does (seriously, do all men have this?).  Sometimes I realize I'm doing it and vow to let him deal with himself for just one hot minute before picking him up so as to not turn him into a whiny, needy, clingy brat...and then he whines and I jump.  Spoiled brat it is.  Maybe the next kid will have a chance.

• Now that Mac's standing up on his own, we've lowered his crib mattress as far down as it'll go.  Good for him, bad for me.  It's LOW.  And I'm SHORT.  This means that when I put him down (if he's asleep in my arms, which he usually is because I'm a sucker and still want to rock him to sleep - this is a whole other confession on it's own though), I have to lean over  the crib railing as far as I possibly can and then drop him about 2 feet to the mattress.  Inevitably, he hits pretty hard and bounces and wakes up and screams.  Fuck.  How do you avoid this?  I've tried putting a stepping stool next to the crib rail, but I still have to lean so far over that my feet slip off the stool and I nearly fall into the crib on top of the baby.  Not a solution.  So...here's what I've been doing.  I've started pushing the glider ottoman over to the crib.  Then I climb into the crib and gently lay him down.  And since I'm already in the crib, I just lay down next to him to make sure he's good and passed out.  And then sometimes I fall asleep in there next to him.  (Don't tell my husband I do this!)  Ok, so it's not a perfect solution, but it works!  And I get a few more minutes of baby snuggle time.  (See also previous confession regarding spoiled brat.)

• I'm constantly surprised how similar having an 8 month old is to having a puppy.  They both drool a lot.  They both bite and scratch with their tiny little teeth and nails that are like razors.  They're both covered in dog hair.  They're both into everything.  They both go 100 mph and then just crash.  They both whine and squeal.  They  both chew on everything.  They both do tricks (sit, fetch and roll over).  They both annoy all the other pets in the house with their endless energy and constant attention seeking.  They both smell wonderful.  And they are both as cute as can be.  

• I recently realized that Mac doesn't have single pair of shoes.  Not one.  How is that even possible?  I love shoes!  And baby shoes are adorable!  I know he doesn't need shoes - mainly because he wears nothing but feety pajamas, but also because he can't walk - but shouldn't he at least have a pair?  Should I go buy him shoes or do I just wait until he really needs them (for walking or because he starts wearing real clothes)?  Also, should he be wearing real clothes?  Are all the other moms secretly (or not so secretly) judging me because he only wears pajamas all day long?  Am I that mom?  

• I miss my friends.  Terribly.  I really wish I was better about keeping in touch with my friends these days, but it is SO hard.  I never wanted to be that person that has a kid and drops off the face of the earth.  Or the one that ditches her kid-free friends and only spends time with other people with kids.  I hate those people.  But man, it's hard to find a good balance.  Especially when my time is already spread so thinly over baby, marriage and work.  I hope to be better.  I will be better.  I want Mac to know how important it is to have amazing friends and a strong support system.  I just happen to have the greatest friends in the world - I just need to be better about seeing them all.  And in the meantime I'm just going to profusely apologize to my friends.  Especially to those without kids who probably do not understand why I can't meet up for drinks after work or talk on the phone for 5 freaking minutes or even reply to a damn text message in a timely manner.  Sorry!  

• Along these same lines, I also feel like I should offer a blanket apology to any of my "mom friends" who I may have pissed off or got impatient with before I had kids and "understood" what it was like.  A few weeks after I had Mac I remember wondering how I would EVER get anything done for the rest of my life.  Babies are SO time-consuming, especially in those first few months.  If I answered 1 text message or email a day I felt like I'd accomplished something.  How pathetic is that?  I actually remember a few years back being  pissed off at one of my stay-at-home-mom friends because it took her like 8 hours to respond to an email I sent her once.  I kept thinking, she's at home ALL DAY, why can't she just answer me?  What could she possibly be doing?  I want to go back in time and slap myself.  

• Remember how I told you that Mac has a little girlfriend (Harper) in his gym class and he smiles and waves to?  Well, the nanny told me that this week that they held hands in class.  I wanted to die.  Not because this is cute, but because HE'S MINE!!  I thought I was going to be his first girlfriend, his first love!  My heart is broken.  Why is this happening already?  I am so done with this little Harper tramp.  I don't even know her, but she's not good enough for my son.  End of story.  Is this what moms feel like when their kids start dating?  How do you even let them out of the house?

• At least once a week I get really nervous about this blog.  I love having a blog and having a creative outlet, but I worry about posting too many pictures of my baby or sharing too much information about him that he will resent me for later.  What happens if he grows up and hates that his life is out there on the internet for the whole world to see?  What if he is horrified that there are pictures of him in the bathtub on this blog and that I tell strangers about all the little intimate details of his babyhood?  I don't know.  I worry about how he'll react, whether he'll care, whether he'll be humiliated later.  Or maybe he won't think twice about it because he's growing up in an age of over-sharing on Facebook and mommy blogs.  Hopefully he'll realize I only do this out of love and because I'm proud of him.  I know I have to be careful, but how do you know how much is ok to post and what is crossing the line?  How do you choose how much to share of someone else's life when they don't have a say in it?  It's such a tough call.  I don't have an answer.  Obviously I'm still blogging and posting pictures of our little man, but it's always on my mind.  Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Catch up on the rest of the New Mommy Confessions series:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8
Part 9
Part 10

Part 11

Part 12