Happy First Birthday, Baby Mac

Dear Baby Mac,

Today you turn one year old.  Happy birthday, my love.  I can't believe it's been a whole year since you came into this world and turned our lives upside down.  From the moment we saw you, we were already so madly in love with you.  How could we not be, you were tiny and pink and absolutely perfection.  You cried loudly when you came out, which I think pierced a giant hole in my heart and allowed your voice to enter and live there.  From that moment on, I knew you, even before I saw your beautiful face, your giant feet and those LONG legs.  How you ever fit inside me still blows my mind.

 Those first few days (and weeks) with you were rough.  I'm not going to lie.  I cried a lot.  I struggled with being patient.  I lost my temper a few times.  I was so worried about every little thing and was just trying desperately to be the best mama I possible could.  I still worry about everything.  I don't think it's something that I'm going to be able to change anytime soon.  I'm a mama - worrying is how I show love.  You weren't an "easy" baby.  But you also weren't the worst baby in the world, by any means.  You challenged us.  You continue to do so daily.  I like that.  The pediatrician called you "spirited."  I like that too.

As the days slipped by we got to know each other better and better.  I learned to anticipate your needs.  You learned how to let me know what you needed.  I learned your language. You started learning mine.  By the time maternity leave was over, I finally felt like I just might be getting the hang of this whole "mommy" thing.  Leaving you that first day back to work was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  But little one, I know that you know just how much you're loved and that my career is important to me.  Definitely not more important than you, but it's a way for me to be a role model for you, and that's very important.  I want you to grow up knowing that women can do anything men can do and I want you to be proud of me.  I think going back to work has made me a better mother to you.  It's forced me to be more present in your life when I am with you. I truly look forward to every minute we get to spend together and try to appreciate every moment - even the rough, middle of the night, crying ones.

This year has just been amazing.  I get up every day and look forward to what you're going to do next.  I can't get enough of the tiny little person with the big personality that I've come to know.  I will say, you are SO much like me sometimes, it's scary.  When I found out we were having a boy, I guess I automatically assumed that you'd be just like your dad.  And maybe you will be.  But right now, you are so...ME.  You have my impatience and demanding attitude.  You pout like me.  You get angry and frustrated like me.  You want what you want and that's ALL you want.  But you're also determined and relentless like me.  You never give up.  I think that will serve you well in the future.  You like doing things on your own and don't want help, just like me.  You're also smart as a whip, which I like to think comes from me, but is probably just as much from your daddy.    

I can't believe how much can change in a year.  You're no longer a lump of baby, you're a little man.  You walk and talk and eat steak with your four little teeth.  You chase the dogs and give them treats (you're very generous with your food).  You love other kids and babies.  You dance to music, which is a funny combination of bouncing and gyrating your hips.  It's wonderful.  You smile at everyone.  You laugh with your whole body.  You give the best hugs ever.  You're a daddy's boy through and through.  

I feel like I owe you a giant thank you, little man.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a mother.  Thank you for being my own personal experiment in parenting.  We're learning how to do this together, me and you.  We're teaching each other as we go, making up our own rules and defining our own relationship.  It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.  I pray everyday that I have the courage to trust my instincts and the patience to always listen to you.  Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also the most incredible.  I've learned so much about myself in the last year.  I'm proud of the little person I've raised, but I also know that I have to continue to strive to do better and be a better person.   I know you'll help me with that. 

The concept of birthdays have a whole new meaning now that I've given birth.  Birthdays used to be about the birthday person, but I think there's more to that story.  So on your birthday this year (and in the years to come), I'm not only going to celebrate the day that you were born, but I'm going to celebrate the anniversary of the day we became parents.  The day I became your mama.  The day that everything changed.  The best day of my life.  

Happy birthday, my little Macaroni.  

Love, 

Your mama