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I wasn't going to mention it. I wasn't going to blog about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it. So why am I here writing this post on something that hurts so much? I guess, because it happened. And as much as I'm trying to ignore the date and just be thankful for all I have, the baby that should have been arriving this week deserves at least a mention.
The thing is, I'm still heartbroken, you guys. I'm still hurting so much. I can't help but to constantly dream of "what should have been." She/he should be here. Mac should be a big brother. I should be starting maternity leave with an armful of newborn goodness and a healthy fear of never sleeping again for the rest of my life. Our home and hearts should be full for the holidays. Instead, I'm left with a slightly empty feeling. My belly is empty (other than coffee and Kit-Kats, the breakfast of champions) and my heart is aching. I still feel so broken.
Every day I give thanks for the perfect, happy, wonderful little boy that made me a mother and I pray for patience and the ability to trust in a plan for our family that is so different right now than the one I want. I ask for strength to keep trying, despite my body's refusal to cooperate. I ask for humility and perspective. I ask for peace, for my heart to be satisfied with all the blessings I've been given. I ask for graciousness, the ability to be happy for those around me who are expanding their families, even if I'm not. I pray for the little one that should have been celebrating a birthday this week. I pray for our loss. I pray for our family. I pray for our future.
Hugs and thoughts with you this day/week/forever. I have a friend going through the same thing right now, and I can't imagine the heartache. Squeeze Mac extra tight tonight. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are thought of and loved, friend. Prayers of peace for you. XO
ReplyDeleteOh Sara! I'm right there with you lady. It may have been a year and a half since our loss but I still find myself in the same place more often than I'd like. My prayers always include the same topics as yours as well as prayer for all the mamas hurting like we are. My heart is with yours during this hard time.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you...and I know all too well how you feel. You just keep on going...You are amazing!!
ReplyDeleteAfter all you went through to get Mac, I really hate that that had to happen to you. Still praying that you get to grow your family soon. You deserve a house full of beautiful blonde babies!!
ReplyDeleteSending strength and comfort your way. I can't imagine the feelings you are going through. I pray that you can find the peace you deserve and that you will be blessed with another baby someday! Hugs!! XX
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs.... it's something I still think about often, my loss date is approaching a 3 year mark next month and the due date week still always triggers feelings as well. Thoughts are with you!
ReplyDeleteOh honey....I'm sending you a big fat hug. Nothing I can say can make it better, which just about breaks my heart. You are such a wonderful mommy to Mac and he is so lucky to have a mom that loves him so passionately. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh how I wish I could give you a big bear hug. You are such an amazingly strong woman, and while I certainly can't say anything to make it better or to take the pain away...I want you to know that Mac is such an incredibly LUCKY kid, because no one could be his momma better than you! Prayers are going up for you dear friend!
ReplyDeleteI feel broken for you. I'm thinking of you and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any words for you other than a prayer and a hug. I am so sorry for the loss.
ReplyDeleteOh, sending you so many hugs. It's RIGHT to feel this way - you lost something precious and you're completely right to mourn. You'll never forget, but time will make it easier. I still think of the one we lost before Abbie, and wonder who he/she would have been. Reach out if you need an ear. <3
ReplyDeleteOh, Sara...I feel for you girl. It breaks my heart because I know that pain, too. Just give little Mac extra loving (as I'm sure you do!) and keep on praying, and know you are being prayed for as well. I so agree with Liz's comment above, you DO deserve a house full of beautiful blond babies!
ReplyDeletehugs Sara. I am so sorry. You have every right to feel that way. I lost my baby boy nearly 7 years ago (wow!) and I still think of him and what might have been every day.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you too.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Love you, Sara. I'm praying for you, too.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, girl...I am giving you a huge hug from Maine right now. I don't know the pain, but I can imagine - I wish there was a way to ease it for you. I pray for you today and every day. xoxo
ReplyDeleteNo words can make it better. I'm so sorry. Praying for you, friend. For comfort for your heart and healing.
ReplyDeleteyou are SO strong Sara...remember that!!! I am thinking about you and sending you BIG hugs...I know it's a hard time and I can't imagine the feelings you're experiencing. I can only pray God will lift you up during this time and help you heal OXOX
ReplyDelete{BIG HUGS} I imagine this week will be difficult but perhaps something magical is in store for you for 2014 <3
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today and this week and always. I think the fact that you can talk about your baby and the loss helps other mamas cope as well. I am reading this book called Tiny Beautiful Things and the first story deals with a similar story to yours. Such a powerful book...definitely recommend it. Sending lots of love and healing prayers. xoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you today, Sara. You are a great mom and one hell of a woman.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs* It sucks that so many have to deal with such a terrible experience, I'm glad you wrote about yours because it helps others to know they aren't alone. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and your loss and so many others that have also lost. You are a wonderful mom!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteAll the best dear!!! God is always with you!!!
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Kopi Luwak
I am so sorry Sara! I am thinking of you and keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Sara. You are such a great mom. I know one day (hopefully soon) you will be a mama again to share all your love with another baby.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Sara. That must be so hard. You remain in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteDear Sara, Your heartache is so sadly familiar to me. My first miscarried baby was due in Nov., too... 12 yrs ago.... I know the difficulty of watching friends fulfill their dream of having a second baby. It was ridiculously hard to have our first... after 2 more miscarriages and many years, I finally accepted Eva would be our only child. And then... out of the fucking blue - I got pregnant naturally. And our biggest dream came true - Eva's sister Elsa arrived. Even though the family planning didn't pan out, I am delighted that it was her we had to wait for. And even though there are 7 yrs between the girls, the experience of having another baby and the ability to dedicate so much time to mothering the 2nd time has been so rewarding; I wouldn't change a thing. There is a special child waiting for your family - you will be a mother again - your lost angel baby is preparing you for the magic ahead. I love you, kindred cousin. xo
ReplyDeleteHey Sara. I have no advice or words of wisdom. I just want you to know that I'm holding space for you & your sweet family. Keeping you always in my prayers. xoxo
ReplyDeletePraying for your family. I wish there were magic words that could make it all better.
ReplyDeleteThere's no words I can say to make it better, but I'm thinking of you. Mac is so lucky to have you as a Mom. I have complete faith that someday, when that soul is ready, another baby will make its way into your life - permanently. xo
ReplyDeleteSending lots of hugs and prayers your way! This is such an awful thing to have to go through and I know nothing anyone can say will take that pain away, but know there are lots of people that care about you!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry you had to experience this. I know that nothing I can say will make it go away or make it better but just remember that you're not alone and that you have a lot of people who love you and one of the cutest little boys around!! As crazy as it sounds I really believe that everything happens for a reason.
ReplyDeleteyou are brave and strong! what a great perspective. Thanks for posting from the middle of your grief - so we can grieve along with you. and I do.
ReplyDelete